TESTIMONY MONDAY – NORTHERN IRELAND
I have never been asked to formally tell my testimony before but I’m glad for the opportunity. I hope you can see the simplicity of salvation and that I can encourage those searching for salvation for a while not to give up.
I can never think of a time when I didn’t want to be saved. It hung over me all the time. Many birthdays passed when I would blow out the candles and (unscripturally!) wish to be saved, and many evenings where I would lie in bed and try to fit myself into the testimonies of others. Even when everything else was going well, I felt I was never really happy as the most important thing was missing. I worried about my family too – only my mum was saved. I hated thinking of Dad or my younger siblings being in hell, and spent nights worrying about what would happen when we died or, especially concerning, when the Lord returned.
When I was eighteen, I moved to Belfast to study at Queen’s University. As I began my second year, in 2001, it hit me hard that I wasn’t saved. I really wanted to be saved and started to earnestly search. This led to a long period of deep fear, where I was going to meetings most nights, near and far. I hoped to hear something new or that it would ‘dawn on me’. I read my Bible or tracts every chance I got. I tried to believe, I prayed, pleaded and promised. I talked to many preachers but still I couldn’t ‘work it out’.
This lasted a long time. The worry was sometimes more intense than at other times, but it was never far from my mind. I was afraid to stop going to meetings, to stop ‘putting it first’, to lose my anxiety about salvation or for God’s Spirit to stop speaking to me.
Life went on. I got my degree, started work, got married and we began our family. God is good, and over time my dad, brother and eventually my sisters all got saved. My thoughts were still there, and I tried to go to meetings whenever possible, trying to get saved but seeming to get further away.
In January 2015, meetings started in our local Gospel Hall. I was worried about the meetings coming as the pressure I felt with meetings was unbearable. I was trying to work and look after my home and family and then rush out to meeting. When I came home from the meeting, I didn’t want to distract myself, so I generally went to bed and tried to read my Bible. I was making myself miserable. I spoke with the preacher… again, but, as usual, I couldn’t ‘understand it’.
On Monday 23rd February, I spoke to my brother-in-law. He said to accept I was a sinner and repent. I always believed I was going to hell but found it hard to think that anyone deserved hell. That night I realised I had to accept that was God’s way and therefore it was right. Sometimes it’s hard to control the thoughts that enter our minds. I realised I couldn’t stop ideas coming into my head, but I could choose not to accept them. I’d been battling thoughts like ‘none of this is real’ and ‘hell can’t exist’. I realised it was my choice what I believed. Martin Luther has been quoted as saying, ‘You can’t stop a bird flying over your head, but you can stop it nesting in your hair.’ This saying helped me a lot then and still does yet!
On Tuesday, I got home late, sorted dinner, got the kids to bed and went back out to meeting. As I entered the hall, I felt so tired and fed up with it all, my eyes filled with tears, and as I sat down they overflowed down my cheeks. I’m sure if anyone saw they would have thought I was worried about salvation. In reality, I was feeling sorry for myself. I felt trapped with no way out. I’d hit rock bottom.
The following evening, 25th February 2015, I went back to meeting. The message was from Job 25:40 – ‘How then can a man be justified?’ answered from Romans 3:28 – ‘Therefore we conclude that a man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law’. This was the verse that led to Luther’s conversion and declaration of salvation by ‘Faith alone in Christ alone’. Sitting there, I realised ‘there is absolutely nothing but Faith in Christ’. There was nothing to do, nothing to be anxious about or to have to read and pray about. ONLY FAITH IN CHRIST. That was it – after many years trying to do something, I finally accepted that Christ had done it all.
I want to help others struggling with salvation. Christ has paid the price for us to be saved; we just have to rely on Him to bring us to heaven… everything else we try to do is only a work (in disguise). Only trust Him now. Salvation is real, it’s available and you don’t need to waste years trying, just step out on Christ today and God’s promise is that when you do, He will save you.
I find such firm assurance every time I read my Bible. I have stability and happiness in my life, knowing that there is an unchanging God fully in control. I pray that you will enjoy the same peace.
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